I never thought that I would deal with suicidal thoughts. But it happened for me and got worse. I pray that my words here can provide the love and support that someone out there may need right now; you are needed in this world=you are absolutely Unique; I love you, you will always be loved!
-- Laneece
I never thought that I would deal with suicidal thoughts. I was the happy, outgoing, over achieving, always 'ready for whateva' type of girl; nothing could get me down.
Growing up in the Hill District of Pittsburgh, surrounded by news of murder and death, not having much money, and even my own mom getting stabbed in our apartment building when I was younger...none of it got me down.
I had bright hope. A natural, sunny disposition that only Jesus himself could've given me. I was blessed and Highly favored and I knew it. The journey I had up to my early 20's was really awesome! Despite all the reasons I could've been down, I wasn't, I have to say I was very happy.
The beautiful, dreamy, dewy colors of life painted around me began to crack quick. It's like one day I looked out into life and harsh black and white feedback replaced what was once vibrant and real to me.
"Ok, you have your bachelors degree, but what job can you get? Ok, you've been an assistant manager at a high fashion store, but how much money can you make? Ok, you have this but what about that? And that? And that? And what about your mom, she's struggling! What about your family? They need money, and you're not providing! You're not shit though... you're not shit..."
Just some of the thoughts that would overwhelm me.
The evening I found myself stuffed down on the side of my bed on the floor with the edge of an orange, dull, rusty packing knife pressed to the skin on arm, I only had one thought in my mind, "Everything and everybody would be better off without you. Yes they may miss you, but you don't help. So leaving wouldn't hurt."
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah Chapter 29 verse 11
It was through deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, soul searching that I finally gained my life back. With a soul jerking, thought provoking glimpse into the beautiful mirror of the future, I was left with the decision. Either step forward into a new picture of me, or add more death to a history already too full of blood.
John Chapter 10 verse 10
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,”
Choosing my own life was a necessary decision.
I had to come to the real truth that I am created with power and purpose already inside of me. I am created for dominion! I had to learn and grow in so many areas. I had to stop beating up on myself and talking down to myself, and start taking care of myself. There was Power in me, if I dared to use it. There is Power in you, to experience it you must use it! And that's what I had to do.
Creating some of my first list of what I wanted for my future and what I needed in my life was so therapeutic to me. My new focus is on becoming the person I want to be to get where I am going. I am thankful for things like routines and affirmations and I'm so thankful for prayer because these are the powerful tools you can use to have power in any circumstance!
Never be ashamed of having and using good tools. A good mechanic uses his tool box, a good hair stylist uses the correct tools for your hair type, a mother uses tools passed down from her mom, a man uses tools learned from other men to keep his wife happy. When you are ready to peal yourself off of the bedroom floor, use tools that work to keep yourself from landing back down there.
Finding my purpose was key to my success. With a combination of my natural talent and passion, I was able to create a life that works for me and leave behind a life where I worked, worried and wondered. I am living, loving, and listening more to the good parts of me and learning to nurture and grow. I love sharing everything I have learned with my clients and I hope to hear your story and help you with where you are now.
No matter what anyone says, you are worth it. Take the journey to love yourself first and find who you are.
Laneece aka Coach Lyfe
